Red Flags

by Nikki

Note: Nikki is a pseudonym.

            I take speaking up seriously and took quite some time to pray and consult with trusted family and friends before writing this for public consumption.  I have only shared in the past when it was relevant and could help someone or on a need-to-know basis.  I believe in forgiveness and releasing justice to God's hands (Romans 12:19; Ephesians 4:31-32).  However, I also believe in protecting other people if someone will not cease sinful behaviors that are harming the body of Christ.  Please know that some details, such as names will not be shared to protect identities.  Much of what happened to me was at the hands of Dave's disciples.  Although I cannot know whether he himself had a direct hand on it, I do know that not much was done without his blessing or influence and nearly all of it aligned with the beliefs shared by Dave.

            I was a part of the Friday night home group for a time somewhere between 2006 and 2010.  I was welcomed with open arms and they were excited to have someone with my "spiritual gifting".  I grew up in a solid Christian home, went to Bible school and Seminary, and had wonderful Christ-centered influences in my life.  Regardless of this, something drew me to this group at a time when I was the most vulnerable.  Dave, and Kathy, have a way of drawing you in and making you feel special and needed.  At the time it felt as though they wanted you as part of their family and in some ways to replace your own.  I can't say that was their intention, but I can say that it certainly felt that way.  Dave thrived on people calling him Papa Dave and relying on him as though he was their father.  There were many in our group who had troubled pasts and difficult parental relationships.  While I do appreciate Godly men and women coming alongside those who need parental figures, I do believe it needs to be done with respect, consent, and making sure that the best interests of both parties are taken into account.

            As stated, much of what happened to me was at the hands of his disciples, so I want to focus first on how the leadership and teaching from Dave led to this misuse of Scripture, abuse of power, and harassment.  I want to highlight these red flags in hopes that my story will serve to remind others to always be mindful of those who have influence in your life.

1) Red Flag 1 - Glorifying Spiritual Gifts above God.

            During my time with the Friday night home group, there was an immediate and excessive emphasis on each person's spiritual gifts.  Those said to be prophets were highly regarded and almost idolized, while the rest were "supporting" gifts.  My main spiritual gifting has always been Mercy which they indicated was the Prophet's counterpart.  I was told that we soften the Prophets and are a good teammate for their ministry.  This also meant, in my experience, that those with my gifting were made to feel subject to them.  In my upbringing, I was always aware that spiritual gifts were a wonderful way for the Holy Spirit to work in and through you, but it was never considered your identity--That was always being made in the image of Christ.  In Friday Night Home Group though, it was your whole identity and purpose.

2) Red Flag 2 - Not opening the Word.

            While the typical small group digs into the Bible, with interaction or depth beyond what we might experience in a standard sermon, during my time with the group the Bible wasn't opened as often as it should have been.  When I was later being admonished, group members' Bibles were in hand, but never opened, even though they stated what they were saying came from the Word.  The Cottrells like to have "the Holy Spirit lead the time" for the group and in many ways it was only feelings based.  Although the Lord can lead us with our feelings, it is also well known that our feelings can be a distraction and lead us astray.  We also need to test every spirit (1 John 4:1).  I am a huge fan of the Holy Spirit and love having Him lead our time.  In the group's practice, this always led to feeling our way through Dave's interpretations and using Scripture as a justification for the ideas developed.  I believe the Holy Spirit also leads us to and through earnest study of the Scripture.  Their time often led to someone needing to be released from the enemy’s oppression.  They tried to do this to me once while in public and it led to some really dark entities surrounding me for a long time.  I am blessed that the Holy Spirit had His warriors fighting for me.  I also had family and friends praying for me as it was evident at this time to those around me that I was in a bad situation and they worked hard to get me away from this group.

3) Red Flag 3 - Women must always say yes to a Brother in Christ.

            You read that right.  This is hands down one of the most disturbing parts of my time with the Cottrells and Friday Night Home Group.  It was made very clear to us women that we were not to say no if one of the brothers in Christ were to approach us to go on a date and start a relationship.  I must say that this was the beginning of my mistrust for the group and the leadership.  Although I want to be kind and help my brothers in Christ, I do not believe that it should be at the sacrifice of my safety.  I also believe that it is not up to us, as single women, to be responsible for our brother's self esteem and courage.  My parents always taught me to make sure that I was guarding my mind, heart, and body as well as doing the same for my future husband.  What I didn't know is that my husband was being chosen for me.  I have spoken with another individual who was part of the group years after me and I am disturbed to know that this practice, albeit in a less extreme form, was still occurring.  When I was part of the group the intention was that we must engage in the relationship when asked and protect our brother's self esteem.  I, however, believe their worth comes from the Lord and not from a woman.

            It had come to my attention that there was one young man who was "in love" with me.  I knew this because he had told me several times and was not shy about his intentions. He asked me one day to meet him at a coffee shop to talk about a few things. I decided to go as I was hoping to make it clear that we would be friends.  What I didn't know is that he intended it to be a date and with the dynamics of the group, he believed I needed to comply with the date aspect of the meeting.  I told him in no uncertain terms that we will not be dating and that I had put a lot of prayer into that decision and I am not backing down.  The reason is because I knew from my own walk with God that this man was someone that the Holy Spirit clearly wanted me to stay away from.  I also knew that to date him would only lead to heartbreak for him as I was going to have to let him down eventually.  It was best that we remained only friends and only saw each other in group social settings.  I did not feel safe around him physically and emotionally and knew that the Lord had different plans for me.  Unfortunately, this did not sit well with other members of the group and led to some serious problems.  This is when the following started to happen:

*I received letters in the mail from him with Bible Study packets for couples so that he and I could work on them together.

*Unsolicited phone calls after I told him to stop contacting me.

*Harassing emails from him regarding the fact that God said that I must marry him and that I need to stop disobeying God. He accused me of being stubborn. I was also told that I could not tell anyone or he would be ruined.  Also, there were messages that he was going to harm himself.

            I would like to say that the issues were solely with him, but that would be far from the truth.  During my time with the group, I had become close with 2 people in particular that happened to also be close with the young man.  I grew to trust them and considered them to be some of my best friends.  However, they decided that per Matthew 18, since I was "sinning against my brother in Christ" by refusing his proposals and against God for not obeying this "prophecy" and plan for my life, that they needed to apply Church discipline to me. It started with one of them coming to my house and telling me a prophecy had been received that I was to marry this man, and that if I didn't my future husband would abuse me and I would have a very hard life. One of my regrets is that I didn't press for more details about who received that Word or Prophecy.  She then spoke in tongues in front of me without a translator. I was left with the sense that this has been spoken and I needed to trust it regardless of who received it.  After receiving her admonishment, I asked her to leave my house and to not come back.  While alone, I sincerely prayed for God's direction.  I was so beat down at this point that I said to God that I give up and I will obey and marry him if that is what God really wanted. At that moment, I received the worst pit in my stomach with a sense of dread and loneliness that I had never experienced before!  I felt that it was clear that my consideration of obedience to the words of these "friends" was being admonished by the Holy Spirit. I immediately felt a sense that I needed to repent and turn back to God - not to give in to his proposals, but continue to resist.  You see, my sin was giving in because I knew from my walk with God that He was already very clear with me that this man was not part of my path.  I needed to stay away from him and obey what God already told me. I knew better.  I was to not give in to this spiritual manipulation. The sense of love and relief that rushed back with the Holy Spirit after I repented was freeing. I am so grateful that the Lord loves us in the exact ways we need to be loved and corrected.

            The next night she showed up again when I was alone, bringing my other good friend (and possibly the man) and I did not answer the door.  They showed up again very late on another night when I happened to have guests at my house.  I'd shared with these guests what had been going on before the others first showed up, as they were friends from church. They were appalled and asked why I hadn't said anything before that night.  I shared I'd felt I couldn't say much because Dave and his group were intimidating and were worshipped by others.  To go against them wasn't always a great idea. Amidst that conversation, these disciples of Friday Night Home Group arrived.  I was fortunate enough to have my guests witness what I had been going through for months.  I was admonished again for my behavior and told I was sinning against God and listening to Satan regarding my future with this man.  I was fortunate enough that my witnesses were strong Christians and had their Bibles open and indicated that this spiritual abuse against me must stop immediately.  This started around 10 pm and lasted for quite a few hours. I praise God for those who came to my defense at that time since I was so beaten down at this point that I felt defenseless. I determined I would not be returning to the group and told the current SOMA leader of the legal action I was taking toward one member to protect myself from further harassment. 

            I am not so sure about how long it took for the news to make it to the Cottrells about the above and the actions I took thereafter, but I do know it took a little bit of time before any acknowledgement occurred. Kathy proceeded to meet with me and insisted they had nothing to do with it. I do believe that Kathy had less involvement in the actions of the group members (or at least little knowledge while it was happening), however, I would find it hard to believe that Dave didn't have some influence over those events.  As stated earlier, not much was done without his blessing or encouragement.

            When the author of this website came to me and asked if I would write about my experience, I was partially hesitant because Matthew 18 was utilized against me in the wrong way and for absurd reasons.  To this day, when a leader in the church brings up the passage at all I tend to cringe a bit (which is not a good reaction to the Word of God). However, after talking to him about his experience, the steps he took, and the reasoning for this site, I realized that this was done properly.  To all men and women out there, if any church leader says that you cannot say no to a brother or sister in Christ, turn around and walk out the door and do not look back.  The harassment and manipulation that follows from those types of groups can leave a long lasting effect on your life.  I still deal with the messages haunting my brain and often question my walk with God, fighting doubts and perceived guilt pushed on me by false prophets.

            I want to conclude by saying that Forgiveness is crucial in life.  Forgiveness helps our lives and our relationship with God.  This does not mean that we have to be reconciled with the people who harm us.  I sincerely pray that the Cottrells and anyone influenced by them earnestly seek God, turn from their sins, and do what they can to right any wrongs.  I also want to recognize that I could have unknowingly hurt others while under the group's influence and for that I have prayed for forgiveness.  I believe all involved can be redeemed as our Lord is gracious and kind.  Although this time in my life was the darkest I have experienced yet, I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned and for the opportunity to help others when given the opportunity. I am grateful for my parents, siblings, close friends, and my husband for their support and patience with me during that time and the years following.  I am happy to say that my husband did not abuse me and I do not have a "hard" life.  We experience hardships like anyone else, but it is not what was prophesied.  My now husband is someone who was around me towards the end of my time with that group and was one who encouraged me to test the spirits and know that what was being done is not good.  He had known me since college and we had recently reconnected.  He is a good man.  I find that he is a great judge of character as he had met the Cottrells and upon meeting them, ushered me away and said that he would prefer that neither of us interact with them again.  He had a sense that both of us needed to stay far away from their reach.  I have followed his intentional Godly lead and have no regrets.  I am a person who would love closure and full reconciliation, but there are times that we need to let go and only have those around us that have good intentions and will steer us to the Lord’s will, not to their imperfect human will.  Always seek wisdom with no regrets!

A Note from Quinn

            Nikki's account describes a period of Friday Night that predates my own involvement. While reading it, I was struck both by the similarities and by the differences.  I’m sure others who attended around the same time frame as I did (2015-2025) will notice that there are group dynamics expressed in Nikki’s story (~2006-2010) that seem unfamiliar to our experience. 

These would include:

• Level of emphasis on spiritual gifts – they were still strongly emphasized later, but not to the extent Nikki describes.

• Low emphasis on Scripture study.

• Frequent deliverance ministry.

• “Women must always say yes” (Red Flag 3 above).  I asked Nikki about this and she affirmed that women were expected to consent to a dating relationship if the man desired it.  This pressure took much softer forms during my time at Friday Night (unless, of course, the relationship was prophesied).  I remember Dave strongly encouraging, if not mandating, that women say yes to a first meeting with a man in the group – but definitely not to a relationship.

• Sheer level of aggression, harassment, and forcefulness exhibited by Dave’s disciples.  This actually bears some similarity to what I myself did in A Case of Church Discipline.  In that case, I can tell you for a fact that the aggressive way we engaged with the individual was the direct result of Dave’s counsel and our willingness to go along with it.  That said, what Nikki describes above is simply far more extreme than what we did in A Case of Church Discipline.

            Taken together, the differences between the early and later periods suggest that the group moved away from some of its more extreme practices over time.  Maybe Dave got backlash and toned certain things down.  Unfortunately, the core problems did not go away, as the themes of destructive prophecy and spiritually coercive dynamics endured at least to 2023.